"Lover" is always more than anyone wants to know*

Dear people who are uncomfortable with my lesbian relationship,

I get it, you have a hard time saying "lesbian" without cringing. I understand. I've always thought is was a sort of clinical sounding word myself (though better, clearly, than "ho-mo-sex-u-al"). And maybe, as Anna theorizes, it's easier for you to be happy about having me/us around if you can think of us as "roommates" or "friends." But, honestly? I don't think self-delusion is healthy, especially when it requires such leaps of fantasy (Really? Roommates? How many 30-year-old roommates do you know who live in a one bedroom apartment and share a queen-sized bed?).

To be honest, I'd prefer your clear disapproval to your mental gymnastics. It doesn't bother me that you disapprove (I think that's entirely your problem), but somehow it does bother me that you're trying so very hard to pretend that we don't exist.

kisses,

c...

Dear open-minded young professionals,

I really do appreciate the solidarity of those of you who refer to your heterosexual spouse as your partner in order to not claim relationship rights that are denied to homosexual couples. I also appreciate your socio-political opposition to the exploitative history of marriage and your accompanying desire to avoid the terms (and/or a legal status as) husband and wife. I have no problem with you getting married (because I think institutions, like cultures and societies, change over time, and a lot of you are doing a lot of good to change the reality of marriage into something more egalitarian and better for the world), but I also have no problem with you using "partner" to refer to the person you're hoping/planning to spend your life with.

However, I wish those of you who use "partner" to refer to your current bed-mate (straight or queer) would stop it. It leaves us with the unsatistfactory and cringe-worthy options of "wife" or "life partner" if we want to make clear that our relationship is not temporary.

Alternatively, if you're attached to using "partner" for your casual SO, you could just stop saying things to Anna like "It's so cool that c... came to DC with you when you got a job here" as if our relationship couldn't possibly be committed enough to make a move together. Seriously, would you say something like that if Anna were married to a man? "Wow. Your husband moved with you. That's so great." Yeah right.

committed to my partner for the long haul,

c...

dear restaurant hosts,

I understand that you have a financial prejudice against groups of women, especially young women. I've been told that we apparently buy less than groups that include a man and/or tip less generously. I can see why you'd start seating groups of young women at your crappiest tables, figuring to cut your losses. But, from my end, it gets really tiring to spend date nights staring into the kitchen, shivering from direct blasts of wind through the door, of sitting right across from the bathroom. It really cuts into the romance. It makes us leave more quickly than we otherwise might, which I know just reinforces your stereotypes.

I begging you. Get over your prejudice. Remember some of those young women are couples on dates. All we want is a quiet table in a corner where we can have a nice conversation, enjoy our food, and drink a bottle of wine.

So sick of that swinging door,

c...

Dear Vermillion and Palena,

You get gold stars for not being in the above group. Thanks.

With fond romantic memories,

c...



*hat tip to Allison Bechdel and the original Dykes to Watch Out For